my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
