i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
