ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
