I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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