My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
