Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
