Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
