It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
