Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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