im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
