end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
