Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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