Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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