i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
