Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
