Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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