So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
