Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
