we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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