New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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