I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
