I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
