If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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