Betty ford says i'm here all night
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
