so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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