all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
