you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
