Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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