if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
