I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
