you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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