Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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