I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
