When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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