i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
