I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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