i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you had me at cake vodka
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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