6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Randomize
