I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
