i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
