Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
