I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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