I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
