i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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