I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
