You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
NoShamevember. You game?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
