I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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