I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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