i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize