OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
