I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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