1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
