I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
