Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
