The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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