he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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