Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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