I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize