There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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