Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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