Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize