If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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