he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
